Yesterday someone congratulated me on my decision to move to the country.
In and amongst the “be your best self” is a fierce amount of competition.
In times of unhappiness we must be at our most proactive to get ourselves back to “living my best life”. Fucking exhausting.
I want to put a sign on my door. On my fucking body! It reads -
I’ve gone off on a retreat of nothing planned. Do not send me messages with subject line “For when you’re back! IGNORE. ;)” That is the worst fucking thing you could do to me. And the winky face just makes me want to scream! Be your best self and message me when I’m back.
How many times have you gone on vacation and received said subject line? My bet is at least once. People just can’t help themselves! Me included. :( I’m in recovery thankfully and have not been addicted to work for quite some time now nor jealous of those on time off so fortunately won’t be typing those horrid words ever again. Hurray! Living my best life.
Today I’m unhappy. I’m back in the city having figured out quite some time ago now that it is not conducive to my happiness. Yesterday I was in the dreamy Suffolk Coast chatting with people I genuinely like, eating and drinking excellent local produce in wonderfully green, fresh air.
Today I’m annoyed at the wind. Like savagely annoyed! I’m cycling all over London getting my jobs done and it’s really fucking windy. My eyes are super sensitive so I’m crying the whole way. I wouldn’t mind it only the sensation of crying is getting in the way of my hot anger and I wish this spewing water would piss off. Then I think of my Dad who suffers with the same problem and the idea of home in Ireland temporarily distracts me from my battle with London fumes and the wind.
I’m moving to the country in three months but the wait is giving me temporary, ad hoc personality disorders. Patience has always been a massive weakness of mine and now that it’s being tested, it’s like it has decided to showcase all strands of itself and all the other star signs too! I am literally reading all twelve horoscopes at the moment as who knows which one my impatience will decide to be today!
Find your tribe! What the fuck? I’m actually struggling to find myself here at the moment in the bloody whole of the astrology system now that my impatience is taking up ALL of it so I’m not sure I’ve got time to find “my tribe” just yet.
The promise in each statement is just unbearable. The certainty in which happiness is promised once we’ve ticked the ‘found my tribe’ box and ticked the ‘living my best life’ box is so convoluted surely there’s a whole planet somewhere still to be discovered where wolves are just howling at the moon for us we’re so uncertain in the positive ability of our anger.
A friend of mine recently went on a journey to discover that she did in fact feel anger. For what seems like her whole life she struggled to get angry. A year ago her anger unleashed itself to her utter amazement. It felt good. Sometimes, really good.
Today my unhappiness felt like anger at times. When you know what you’re feeling, when you know what you're experiencing it’s easy to be with it and just let it ride out. The exact same way happiness rides out, excitement, sadness, anxiety.
Nothing can speed up time. Three months is what it is and I just need to ride out each and every emotion in a place not conducive to my happiness anymore. It’s ok that that sentence is not a positive one in our culture’s view of the meaning. I am actually learning so much about humanity at the moment through not always happy eyes.
And so, I’m just going to let life ride out for a while and see what comes my way. No howling wolf needed here. Just some grounding elements of wine, cheese and bread will always be graciously accepted.